Please send in your jokes to sales@arkel.co.uk. We shall put the best (edited) jokes on the website and add to it regularly. Please keep coming back to see the latest jokes.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've just cut off your arms!

13. I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..........(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)
......... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Clyde, a farmer from Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded "Well it was like this. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie into the ..

"I didn't ask for any details" the lawyer interrupted "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say you were fine at the scene of the accident?"

Clyde said, "Well yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ...

The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. please tell him simply to answer Yes or No"

By now the judge was interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear about his favourite mule Bessie"

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded "As I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran through the stop sign and smacked my trailer in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. About that time the Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear her moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road to me with his gun in his hand looked at me and said, 'And how are you feeling?'

A judge looked at the defendent and said "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Yes, your honour" he replied "I taught your son violin lessons last winter"

"I remember now" said the judge "20 years"

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman said quietly to his son "Boy, go got yo momma ..."

There's this guy sitting at the bar, just looking at his drink. He sits, staring at his drink for over half an hour, not talking, barely moving, and never taking a sip.

A big macho guy who has been playing pool, takes notice of our friend at the bar. He watches the guy just staring at his drink for a long time. This is driving Mr Macho crazy so he walks up to the bar, grabs the guy's drink and chugs it right down.

The poor man who has been sitting at the bar starts crying.

Mr Macho says "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying".

Our friend at the bar replies "No it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept this morning and got to work late. My boss, outraged, fired me. When I got to the car, I found it had been stolen. The police told me they can do nothing to find it. I grabbed a cab to return home and after I got out I remembered I'd left my wallet and credit cards in the back seat. I ran after the cab but the driver just laughed and drove away. When I got home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and found myself in this bar. Just when I was thinking about putting an end to my miserable life, you show up and drink my poison"!

Making an insurance claim can be a stressful time for many people. Thinking back to the incident and trying to describe what happened in as few words as possible is not as easy as it might at first seem. The result is that some of the descriptions of what happened do not quite come out as intended. Here is a list of some favourites collected from insurance forms:

1. I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

2. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

3. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

4. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

5. A truck backed through my windscreen and into my wife's face.

6. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

7. The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

8. I didn't think the speeding limit applied after midnight.

9. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a little car with a big mouth.

10. Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night having a drink. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

Impressed by this the Aussie drinks his beer , throws his glass in the air pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces saying "Well mate, in Straaaaalia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either"

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the Aussie and South African and says" In London, we have so many ******* Australians and South Africans we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're ringing from"

I was in my car driving along when my boss rang up and said "You're promoted" and I swerved. He rang up again and said "You've been promoted again". Once again I swerved. He rang up a third time and said "You're now Managing Director". After this I ran into a tree. A policeman then approached me and asked me what happened. I said "I careered off the road".

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St Georges Day" said the Englishman "so I decided to call him George". "That's a real coincidence" said the Scotsman "my son was born on St Andrew's day so I decided to call him Andrew". "That's incredible, what a coincidence" said the Irishman "Exactly the same thing happened to my son Pancake".

A pregnant Irish woman is involved in a car crash and falls into a deep coma. After six months she awakens and finds she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies "Ma'am you had twins - a boy and a girl. Your brother came over from Cork and named them". The woman thinks "Oh no not my brother -he's an idiot". She asks the doctor "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise" he replies. She thinks that isn't too bad "What about the boy? What's his name?"

"Denephew"

A welsh rugby fan was watching a six nations game in Dublin. In the packed stadium, there was one empty seat - right next to him. "Who does that seat belong to?" asked the man behind him.

"I got that ticket for my wife" replied the fan.

"But why isn't she here?"

"I'm afraid she died in an accident"

"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect eh?"

"No" said the fan" I offered it to all my friends."

" So why didn't they take it?" the man behind asked rather puzzled.

"They've all gone to the funeral."

Two pensioners Mike and Tony were sitting on a park bench one day, when Tony says " I hope there's cricket in heaven, Mike"

"Me too" says Mike "cos I'll miss the cricket. I tell you what, whoever dies first is to try to get a message back to the other"

Months later Tony passes on leaving Mike to be sitting one day alone on the park bench, when all of a sudden Mike hears his name being called.

"Mike, Mike, remember me it's Tony. Remember we spoke about if there was cricket in heaven. I've got good news and bad news."

"What's that?" says Mike

"Well the good news is there is cricket in heaven."

"That's great" says Mike "but what's the bad news?"

"Well you're keeping wicket on Saturday" says Tony.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man takes his rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed" he says "is there anything you can do for him?

"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him". So he picks up the dog, examinies his eyes then checks his teeth. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down"

"What? because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's heavy"

Man to God: "Why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God to Man: "So you would love her"

Man to God: "But why did you make her so dumb?"

God to Man: "So she would love you too."

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on his head with a huge frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"What was that piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

" Oh, honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.

The wife looked satisfied and apologised profusely. Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair and his wife whacks him again with the frying pan.

"What was that for this time?"

"Your horse just called."

An itinerant gentleman comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse, raps gently on the door and asks "Please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a decent meal in days"

The owner says " I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I have never given anything for nothing. However, if you go round the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a paint brush. If you paint my porch in the back of the house I will give you a decent meal."

The tramp goes around the back of the house and a while later he knocks on the front door again. The owner says "Finished already, come in and have a decent meal"

After finishing the meal the tramp thanks the man profusely but adds "There is something you ought to know sir. It's not a Porsche you've got there. It's a BMW".

A Motorway policeman pulled alongside a speeding car on the M1. Glancing down he was surprised to see the blonde at the wheel knitting away. He winds down the window and yells "PULL OVER"

"NO!" the blonde yells back " SCARF"

A Professor of chemistry wanted to teach his sixth formers about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky and two worms.

"Now class. Observe closely the worms" said the professor putting the first worm into the water and the second into the whisky. The worm in the water wriggled about normally happy as a worm in water could be. However, the other worm in the whisky, writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, as dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" Asked the professor.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely responded "Drink whisky and you won't get worms"

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock and its half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time" he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows,

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing there. It doesn't take the landowner long to realise the man at the door is drunk.

"Hi there" slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost - it's half past three in the morning. I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door and goes back to bed and and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks "That wasn't very nice of you - remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk"

"It doesn't matter" She responds.

Suitably chastened the man gets up gets dressed and goes downstairs again, opens the door but cannot see the stranger because it's dark. He shouts "Hey, you do you still want a push?"

"Yes please" a voice cries out.

"I can't see you, where are you?"

The stranger calls back "I'm over here, on your swing"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in his chair on the porch. She said to him, "I couln't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"

He answered "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never ever exercise"

"Wow, that's amazing" the woman said " How old are you?"

"Twenty six" he said.

The local mobsters were looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf person for the job - if he were to get caught, he would not be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On the first week the collector picks up £50,000. However, he gets greedy and decides to stash it in a safe place. The mobsters soon realise the money is late and send some of their hoods after the deaf collector. However as they cannot communicate properly with him they eventually bring in an interpretor.

The hood says to the interpretor "Ask him where the money is". The interpretor communicates this message to the deaf man who replies "I don't know what you're talking about. The interpretor conveys this message to the hood.

The hood pulls out a .38 pistol, places it near the ear of the deaf collector and says "NOW ask him where the money is". The man signals the £50,000 is in a locker at Waterloo Station and tells him where the key is kept.

The interpretor replies to the hood "He says he still doesn't know where the money is and he doesn't think you've got the guts to pull the trigger.

An elderly couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said "You used to hold my hand when we were courting" Wearily he reached across, held her hands and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said "Then you used to kiss me".Mildly irritated he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said "Then you used to bite my neck". Angrily he threw back the bedclothes and got out the bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth"

A man was walking along the beach one day when he came across an old lamp. When he picked it up and wiped it clean a genie appeared. The genie said "OK I've been in there a long time and want to party. Make three wishes quickly.

The man replied. "First I wish for a big flash car". Boom it was there immediately. "My second wish is for the car to be filled with money". Poof it was done.

"For my last wish I want a direct motorway built all the way from here to Majorca so I can drive straight through for my holidays". The genie looked at the man and said "Hang on, do you know how long it would take for me to build that, not forgetting all the red tape from the EC? Think of something else that would take less time"

After a while thinking, the man replied "I've got it. I want a better understanding of my wife"

The genie thought for a while and said "How many lanes do you want on that motorway?"

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde left work. She made her way to the car and wondered how she was going to get home. While the car was warming up she thought about her situation. After a while she remembered her dad's advice that if she was ever in this situation and saw a snow plough she was to follow it. That way she would never get stuck in a snow drift. Sure enough in a while a snow plough came along and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plough she was feeling very smug. She followed slowly for some time first turning right then left. Eventually the snow plough stopped and the driver got out, came over to her and signalled for her to wind down her window. The driver asked if she was all right as she had been following him for a while. She told him she was fine, explained her dad's advice and asked if it was OK for her to continue following him. The driver said she could follow him if she wanted, but ... he had just finished Sainsbury's car park and was going over to Tesco's next.

A guy goes into the store and says, "I'd like some German sausages"

The assistant looks him in the face and asks "Are you German?"

"Well the guy says, as it happens I am, but if I had asked for Irish sausages would you have asked if I were Irish?"

The assistant answered " No, I wouldn't"

"Well why did you ask if I were German just because I asked for German sausages?"

The assistant said "Because this is a DIY store".

"Revenge of the Blondes"

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a longhaul flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to rest, so she politely declines and rolls towards the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains the game is easy and fun. He explains "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me £5. and vice versa.

Again she politely declines and tries to sleep. The lawyer now somewhat agitated says. "I know If you don't know the answer you pay me £5 and if I don't know the answer I'll give you £50, thinking that because she's blonde he will win easily.

This catches the blonde's attention, and deducing that there would be no end to the torment unless she amuses him, she agrees.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?". She dips into her purse and hands him a fiver.

Now it's her turn. "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? He looks at her with a puzzled face, consults his pocket pc and eventually has to say he doesn't know and hands over £50.

Out of interest, now its his turn again he asks "What does go up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?". Without a word the blonde hands over another fiver rolls over and goes back to sleep.

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are too. Everyone raises their hands except one little girl. The teacher looks surprised and says "Janie why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I am an All Black fan and proud of it" she says.

"Why is that?" the teacher asks

"Both my mum and dad are All Black fans and I am too" the girl replies

"Well that is no reason to be an All Black fan" says the teacher in an annoyed tone. "You don't have to be like your parents all the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad a moron. Then what would you be?"

"That's easy" replied the girl. "Then I'd be a Wallaby fan.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetary this afternoon in Central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night.

So I was getting in my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster. Go for it"

A man walked into the doctor's and said "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said "Well don't go there again"